as milan kundera pointed out, we all have our own definitions of love. sacrifice, redemption, sanctuary. probably a million other things.
i'm still trying to figure out mine. people are more complex than characters created by people to represent ideas.
but whatever my definition of love is, i am certain it involves this very strong feeling that takes control of me whenever i look at you when you're sleeping, or when you're hugging me with your head on my chest and your eyes closed. actually it is wrong to call it a feeling. feeling is too weak of a word. i would rather call it conviction. a strong-willed decision. a calling.
i will never hurt you.
of course i do sometimes in my own little obnoxious ways like not texting back, forgetting important dates, being late all the time.
but i will never hurt you in the life-scarring way my dad did to my mom. never.
i just browsed facebook and saw that my brother's ex has just listed herself as single. and one of my cousins typed in his status that he was really happy. that someone makes him happy like no one else did. i know he has someone in his life. and i know that he wasn;t talking about that someone.
break ups make me sad but it's hard to blame people who break up with their loved ones. how can we be angry at someone who;s just trying ti pursue his own happiness? isn't that the goal of every living thing on earth? avoid pain and pursue pleasure? roses reach up and turn their heads towards the sun, seeking pleasure. they grow thorns to avoid being plucked or damaged, avoiding pain. fishes swim away from sharks to avoid pain, and they swim towards food seeking pleasure. it's what every living thing does. it's what we do. we move towards pleasure and move away from pain.
what about us? sometimes it's pleasureable to stay with you and sometimes its painful. and this will go on. staying with you will always be a cycle of pain and pleasure. people who decide to leave someone maybe feeling more pain than pleasure, hence their decision.
if we come to that, what'll happen if staying with you becomes more painful than pleasurable?
because my decision to stay with you is beyond pleasure and pain. it is my calling. and you know what? living things have callings too and these calling go beyond pleasure and pain.
just think about the salmon. salmon live in the sea but once int heir lifetime, for some unknown reason, they go against their nature of avoiding pain and seeking pleasure by migarting towards fresh water. every one of them swims miles and miles just to reach the place where they were born, in soft still pools. they fight the sea and the currents of the rivers and swim while almost every other creature feed on them. dolphins shark bears humans.
you might say stupid salmon. why doesn't it just lay its eggs in the sea and avoid all those painful experiences. what a stupid creature.
but it isn;t. it really isn;t. because what it's doing is beyond the usual realm of pleasure and pain that governs all living things. it's doing its calling. and that goes beyond pleasure and pain.
haha. salmon. my love for you is like a salmon. maybe i'll give you a salmon necklace for your birthday. hahaha. and you won't know what it's about. i'll keep it a secret. you'll probably smile your sarcastic smile and mock my lack of romance. you'll probably whine that i can be so romantic in my stories and ideas but never in real life. you'll probaly even think that i was just too lazy or too much of a cheapskte yo buy you a real gift so i bought the first thing i saw, a salmon necklace.
or maybe you'll do that but when you go to bed at night, and rest your head on your pillow, and you close you eyes and sleep, you'll know. you'll know why i gave you that salmon.
this has been my first entry after a while.vyou won;t be able to read this of course. this journal is one of the few secrets i keep from you. or maybe its the only one. silly. i allow my most private of thoughts to be be read by just about anyone interested but not by you. hahaha. why do i do that? i'll leave that for another time.
one more thing. CHEATERS and LEAVERS and USERS, i pity you. you are creatures who have yet to understand what ti feels like to have a calling and have something that goes beyond pleasure and pain. i pity you. you may die without feeling it at all. poor creatures.